The first time I saw you.....

It has been one year since the first time I laid eyes on the two of you.  

Medical records and pictures of two little boys made its way to my inbox two weeks after we received some devastating news about the little girl we thought would be joining our family.

Two was not our plan...

There were SO many pictures. I looked at every single one, hoping to find clues about you.

The first picture I saw of Abe was this little guy with stiff arms and clenched fists, and sad eyes. Eyes that had seen too much.  Manye had an impossible smile. I wondered how a kid who had such a tough life could smile like that? It was the kind of smile that lights up a room.

You have been home now for 3 months (almost) and our love for each other grows everyday.

In many ways those photos were accurate. 

Abe, 

   Your arms remained stiff for quite sometime. It took a while for you to accept my embrace---hugs were stiff and mechanical as you were learning about this "love" thing. I can't imagine the amount of bravery it has taken for you to loosen your grip. To hold my hand and step on to that airplane. I might not ever know, but I hope you will share with me one day.  You held on to everything you were given so tightly, with such fear. You still pack your bags sometimes, as if you are preparing yourself for when we disappoint you.
      I want you to know----I get it. I understand the clenched fist, and the fight you have inside of you. I hope you never lose that fight, but come to understand that you are not battling alone. You were never alone. God has always been with you, through the ugly and the pain----and HE has made a way for you. Your earthly father might have given you a name that means "Send him away from me" but Jesus will not send you away. We will not send you away. We will mourn with you, and pray fervently for all that has been broken to be restored.
     When you unclench those fists it is such a beautiful thing, and we love watching you discover the joy of giving. Your laugh is infectious and I love to hear you experience new things with an "Oh, WOW!" This is a big world, and God has big plans for you---he created you with a purpose. Thanks for letting me be your mom. I understand that you didn't pick me---but you have made the decision to give me your heart, I don't take that decision lightly.

Manye,

   That smile. You are a charmer. I love your smile, but I want you to know I can tell when it's genuine. You don't have to smile for me. No performance is necessary. You give me a run for my money sometimes, you are a tough nut to crack. That smile is so easy to hide behind--and I know you needed that to survive before. I want you to know that in our house, we cry. It's ok to cry.
      A lot of people have hurt you, and disappointed you. I mourn your childhood. I get that you need to feel in control, and in charge because you can't get hurt that way.
 I am trying to show you something better than being alone. So I will challenge you, I will teach you and we will fight because some lessons are worth a fight.  We can learn from each other, and I am willing to learn all you have to teach me.
     You need to know, that when the charm has melted away---we will still pick you, every time.  We love you---and this love is not temporary. That is hard for you to grasp and I get that too.
    You are so quick, and never give up. I love that about you. Your bravery is like nothing I have ever seen---but sometimes being brave means admitting we are weak. God's strength is made perfect in our weakness. You might not ever love me like your "real" mom, and thats ok. I am just going to keep on loving you....


Two was not our plan....but God had a greater plan. 

Two weeks after we accepted your referral God confirmed our decision after our church raised $13,000 to help bring you home. 


You were so loved before we even knew you......

Give them a front row seat..

We went to church yesterday. Manye is generally uncomfortable and anxious at church so it has made weekly attendance a challenge since they got home.

We were excited for the boys to see the children's Christmas play, and thought they would really enjoy it.

In the first 5 minutes Manye started to squirm. "This no, good Mom. I no like." I watched both of the boys struggle to pay attention and look around uncomfortably for much of the show.

But then, something happened.

The nativity became present in the show---and this they recognized. They started moving to see better and leaning in.

I told them they could move up to the front row so they could see better, and I watched them as they paid perfect attention for the rest of the show.

In that moment I felt the Lord speak to my heart. " Give them a front row seat."

"Give them a front row seat to my grace, truth and peace. Give them a front row seat to my radical love.  Everyday."

In that moment, it was like time stood still. I could feel HIS presence---and that gentle voice. "Give them a front row seat."

Sometimes we beat ourselves up about the small things, and question how we are supposed to parent these new additions. But we are called to show them Christ first and foremost--in the way we love.

I am so glad we got to hear those precious kids at church yesterday---it really was an amazing program, and I am so glad that my Heavenly Father used the opportunity to remind me of what he has tasked us with----because in the end, nothing else really matters.

Don't take it personal....we still love you.

We have been so blessed to have so many wonderful people in our lives that are curious about our family.

Many people are naturally curious about the boys past.  I think this generally comes from a good, and well meaning place.  These children came to us with a past---and many people are interested in their story.

But here is the thing: It's their story. Not ours. 

Tom and I are both pretty up front people. If you ask us a direct question we will give you a direct answer--- so if you ask a question about the boys or our family and we dodge it, you might find yourself a little confused.

Here's where we are at: Abe and Manye have been through so much ugly. Things that NO child should ever experience and it breaks our hearts. Part of our job as their parents is to provide them with a safe and loving atmosphere where they can heal---and we believe they will. God will restore and redeem all that has been broken, HE has a plan for them. No doubt about it.

  One way we feel we can keep them safe is by making sure they do not find themselves under a microscope---feeling as if they have to share their story with the world. 

Trauma is ugly. It's not dinner conversation...it is someone's pain.

So family and friends: If you are close to us---please to not push us to share and most importantly do not expect for the children to share. They do not owe it to anyone. Asking them to open up old wounds is not ok---just meet them where they are at, and do your best to love them. Please know that if we dodge a question it is not that we don't trust you......we just want to respect our children and this is the best way we know how. If you see us parenting in ways you think looks strange---please know there is probably a good reason.

We are dealing with these issues--and rest assured we are being proactive in the way we address the trauma. Trust that we are doing our best.

All that being said, we do need prayers and I need to feel like I can ask for prayers with out putting forth every single detail. We have seen your prayers working every step of the way....please don't stop lifting us up because this can be a heavy load to carry.

If you absolutely feel like you want to ask a question please do not ask the kids---or in front of the kids. Ask Tom or myself and give us a little grace if we dodge ya----it's nothing personal. We are just parents trying to protect our children the best we can. 

Everything is so new.....

My last post I shared some of the hard, and yes we still have those moments daily but I really want to tell you about the SWEET.

The bursting with joy moments.

I remember when Aidan and Mia were born---all their "firsts" were so sweet!

First smile, word, tooth, first favorite food, learning to crawl, walk, run, skip, hop.

Aidan and I had these dance parties that are forever sealed in my memory.  Whenever Laurie Berkner would come on TV he would stop what he was doing and find me for a little dance party in the living room. We would shout "BUZZ, BUZZ, BUZZ!" to her song about bees. Or ramble the words to "Victor Vito" as fast as we could.

If you have preschoolers and you don't know Laurie Berkner--you are missing out! Look it up!

Anyhow--

Our boys came to us with mouthfuls of teeth. With scars. With many years of life, and experiences that I missed. I had this feeling for a while that I may never know how they got the scars, or how old they were when they lost their first tooth.

It kind of bummed me out. Moms love the "firsts." I am no exception.

But as I have been reflecting I realize we have had so many "firsts." They just look different than the path of a biological family. This doesn't make me any less of a mother---just a different kind. One who is trying my best to meet them where they are at.

So let me tell you....

Forks and spoons: New! They weren't used to using cutlery, but they have got it now!

Bikes: Neither of the boys had ever rode a bike before. They had learned after being home for less than a week. Manye learned in two days!

First Icecream, hamburger, fries.....all a hit!

They love our dog! They were terrified at first but now embrace him entirely.

First Thanksgiving: They loved the "Feast." We shared our traditions of giving thanks, and rejoiced in God's provision.

Can I just tell you for a second how my heart nearly burst giving Abiti a bath for the first time? It happened about a week ago. We have done showers up till this point and I thought---this kid needs to experience a bath.

So I tried to coax him.   He looked at me like I was insane. You want me to SIT in there?!?!?!   Mia suggested color change tablets and lots of bubbles, and Abiti jumped into his first ever PURPLE bath.

 He screamed. He giggled. He dunked his face under water, over and over again. " Look Mom, Look!!! "....  "Oh, Wow! WATER!"

Sheer JOY.

That's when it happened. My heart almost burst.  There is much to be learned from these kids. 

Maybe I should throw a party every time the bath spits out warm water. Water is so precious....


How about that self control thing?

 Well I am happy to report that the "punch first and ask questions later" is beginning to make an exit. We still have our moments, but they are learning they have a voice and words can be a powerful tool when we choose to use them.  I think this has to be my favorite. Teaching a child from a hard place that THEY have a voice---and there are people who want to hear from them....


Which brings me to....

Favorite phrases:

"Stop it!!"  Can't say this is always my favorite since I have heard it so frequently---but let me tell you the significance.  These two little words keep them from punching each other constantly. They use it communicate " I am uncomfortable."  So as you can imagine---these words mean alot to them.

"Me, I LOVE" is a Manye phrase. He is very vocal about his likes....and I am happy to tell you, that I have found myself on the "Me, I love list" a little more often these days.

"Oh, my goodness" Abiti loves to use this one all the time.

"Oh, WOW!" Another Abiti favorite....this kid finds joy in the little things and looks at the world with eyes of wonder. Mia absolutely loves hearing the "Oh, wow!"

"No." Again---not always my favorite....but an important word so I will thank God for it.

We have had a week of such amazing highs---looking at the world through the eyes of these children.

When we get a glimpse of who these little guys really are it makes the bad days easier to get through. The storms are still coming, but we are getting to know our boys as the walls come down.

I can't wait to see what the Lord does with these Abiti, Manye, Aidan and Mia who are all learning a growing together. They are a vocal bunch who just might make a big mark on this world one day----and I get to be their Mom.

How are we REALLy doing?

The boys have been home almost a month. I intended to post about a trip to get them, but honestly it was hard to find words. We just needed to live it.

Several people have seen the silly videos of the kids on FB and the happy shiny pictures, and several have been wise enough to know that the photos are just a moment in time that happened to be...well...happy.  I snap a picture in these moments because I need so desperately to hold on to those happy moments.  Things are not always so sweet.

So how are we "really" doing?

Expectations: Expectations can be a sneaky thing. I have learned that it is possible to have expectations and not even realize it. We had some expectations that were unfair---and we have had to adjust our way of thinking in a few areas. We didn't expect easy---or grateful, but when it comes down to it....there is still dissappointment when things don't go your way. I started having thoughts like "We have sacrificed so much, and drained our savings account to give these kids a chance.....and they act as if they hate us."  

Yeah. It's true we did. It's hard. Rejection is no fun---and it doesn't feel fair when all you have done for over a year is pray for these kids and scrape together EVERY penny you can find to bring them home. And then there are no "warm and fuzzy" feelings! In fact, there have been some real ugly feelings. Some of them are my own, and I am not proud of that.

 I WANTED WARM AND FUZZY PEOPLE! 

But guess what? We were the ones being unfair. 

Why would these children just hand us their hearts free of charge? They have learned to survive on their own because of the loss and betrayal of the adults in their lives. Adults they trusted and loved. Why now, would they ever just give all their trust to us? Because we say we are FOREVER?

Show me forever, Mom.  What does it look like?

Sometimes it looks like the calm of a mothers touch after the 15th meltdown before lunch. Sometimes it looks like smiling at a child when you really want to scream or cry.  Acting like it doesn't hurt when they call random people Mom---because, you see....I haven't earned that title yet.

It will be awhile before I have earned it, and I am learning to be ok with that.  The life these children had before joining our family is nothing short of the word horrible.  For now, I will be the consistent one. I will consistently respond with love when honestly I don't always want to. I will kiss boo-boos. I will teach with patience. I will meet needs with a cheerful heart.

Easier said than done.... 

  Honestly, we mourn the loss of old routines. Of simple things. We are creatures of habit and our lives have been turned upside down and inside out.

The boys are mourning the loss of their country, culture, friends and family.  They have expectations that were false, and we are working on that too.

We miss being a family of 4 sometimes. That doesn't mean that we don't love them-----it's just that things were simple then. Familiar.  God has called us to something different, and we believe better.

 Better than easy. Something beautiful and redemptive. Healing. 

We are learning so much about the character of God. Christ died for us when we were STILL sinners and enemies of God. It was nothing we earned or deserved.   We are trying to follow this example but we miss the mark daily. HIS grace is perfect, and his mercies are new every morning and I am so grateful for that-----because I need it! Our family needs it.

 I needed to be adopted once, and Christ invited me into his family.  Before I was ready to call Him Father, he gave up his life for me.....

This truth holds us together.

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person--though perhaps for a good person one would even dare to die---but  God shows his love for us that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.   

 Romans 5:6-8

It's a Beautiful Day......Everyday.

The sun is shining!

The birds are chirping!

My coffee is steamy and delicious, and it's a beautiful morning. 

Mornings like this often bring my thoughts to someone very special in my life, my cousin Andrew. Andrew is a few years younger than me, and has been given many labels over the years.  Some say he has a learning disability or call him disabled. I have also heard him called by much more demeaning labels....

If you know me, you know that I HATE labels. People are so beautiful, and when we label them we put them in a little box and limit who they are.  That being said, there is one label that doesn't bother me so much when it comes to Andrew.

Special Needs.

Stay with me.....

Andrew is most definitely special,because he wakes up each and every day and calls the day beautiful. Andrew has encountered his share of ugly and mean people in this world but his perspective remains.

Each day is beautiful.

He has always known each day is a gift. That God created beauty.

When I was about 16, I remember Andrew coming outside with me and being so excited about the fresh cut grass in the yard.     

"Cozy, look at this grass!!" He said, picking up a hand full.  I laughed, but then I really looked.

It was beautiful....soft on my feet, with that fresh cut smell. I jumped up and grabbed his hand......"Grass! Look at this grass!!!"    I shouted.  
I picked up a handful and tossed it in the air, and Andrew was happy to join me.

We danced, and sang---throwing handfuls of grass in the air.

I am sure the neighbors thought we were nuts, but it was a beautiful day.

Andrew is special because he can see the needs of people.  I guess that's why the term special needs doesn't rub me quite as raw as the other labels.

On Easter, Andrew approached me and said: "Cozy, I cannot wait to meet your sons!  He was looking at the pictures we had of them out on the table.   As he was looking at them he said: " They look just like you Cozy.....they have your eyes." 

To Andrew,some of the hardest questions in life are the easiest to answer because he answers in love, and according to the needs of those around him.

 I don't even know how he does it.

I believe it is a gift from the Lord.

He can see the needs of those around him.   He saw my need, and answered in love.

My two chocolate boys look just like me. They have my eyes.

Andrew is dreaming right now of going to Shepherds College. He has been accepted, and I couldn't be more proud. He is going to be a Chef.  He needs some help getting there, so I hope you will join me in praying that the Lord will make a path to get him there.

This June, in Tiffin Ohio there will be a "Beautiful Day 5k" in his honor. All of the proceeds will go to his college fund.

I am out of shape, but I will be there! I will be there because EVERYDAY IS A BEAUTIFUL DAY!  Andrew is so special to me, and to our family.....he is one of the greatest gifts our family has ever received.

I hope you will join us in celebrating this new chapter in his life!

One of those mornings.....we all have them!

This morning was a rough one! The kids were both dragging their feet getting ready for school---doing just about anything to avoid actually getting dressed. You moms know what I am talking about!!!

My stress levels were rising, and the kids were complaining every step of the way.

Then, I notice that there was homework unfinished! Homework that a certain child ( I will not mention names) said was finished the day before.

I could feel my blood pressure rising!

Then I remembered I had washed their winter coats right before bed. But I forgot to dry them!!!!!  

My head almost popped off---right then and there, in the middle of the kitchen and our morning messes!

 I am certain that I am not going to win any mother of the year awards any time soon!  It seems like on rushed morning like today I hear the voice of doubt loud and clear.

It says:
What are you going to do with two more kids? You think this is hectic? Just wait, you are going to fail---and your family will fall apart.......and everyone is going to be miserable.

Luckily, I know that I am not the glue that holds all this together.

Tom, isn't either. Although, I am so glad we are in this together.

My Heavenly Father is the glue that keeps all this together. We have stressed mornings, bad moods and messes.....but our life is not defined my them, or the lies that Satan tries to tell us about ourselves.

I know that the Lord did not bring us this far to abandon us now! He is the God who meets us in our messes, and loves us anyway.

Friends--if you are hearing that voice of doubt, I just want to encourage you to silence it! Stand firm in the knowledge of who God made you to be. He did not promise us perfection, or that everything in our lives would be easy---but He did promise to walk with us through our messes!

   So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. 

Romans 12:1-2 The Message

God was with me this morning in my messs, and I am so thankful that his mercies are new every morning!

I am trusting that...

He will be with me as I learn to parent two children who are not my own.
He will sustain our marriage through it all.
He will give us the strength to meet the needs of ALLof our children.
He will not abandon us in our times of trouble.

He did not bring us this far to leave us alone now.

We will stand on His promises. We will trust in HIM and we will not listen to the voice of doubt.

Our God is the glue that holds all this together. Not me.....and I am OK with that. He's a better driver than me anyway!

Have you seen me parallel park? Yikes!