Adoption Guilt

       There are more than a few things that I haven't expected about the adoption process. Beyond the ridiculous amounts of paperwork for things such as: Proving my dog is up on his vaccinations, and a letters from our doctors stating that we are not insane ( HA!) The one thing that I was not prepared for was the guilt.

  This guilt comes in many forms, so let me explain. From the moment you decide you are adopting everything in your life becomes about tackling this seemingly insurmountable task.  Getting the home study completed, your adoption training, the paperwork, and I will say it again the paperwork! Money soon becomes the central focus of accomplishing these goals. Let me just say; I hate money. I am not a money person. If I could live life without it, I would.

        Now it seems like money is all I think about, and of course worry about. No one told me that I would obsess about every penny I spend and feel guilty for every day purchases.

That hamburger at the drive thru now brings about thoughts of starving children. My cozy bed brings thoughts of people huddled at night on dirt floors. The list goes on........

 About a month ago I came home from Kohls. I got some really great deals! I really needed a pair of shorts and a couple of shirts because lets face it, I have packed on a few pounds since the beginning of this process. My purchase totaled $50.71. Big deal right?

Wrong.

I came home. Tucked my two beautiful kids into bed, and thought about my daughter on the other side of the world.  That's when it hit me.

My daughter in Ethiopia, has one outfit. Just one. I somehow, needed more. More than my overflowing closet!!

I could have saved that money. I could have put it in my adoption account! Why do I always need more? There are people who have nothing! When is enough, enough?

How does the Lord put up with me? Why am I so selfish?

I had a mini meltdown on my back porch. Lot's of tears and crying out to the Lord.

Tom looked like a deer in headlights. I think he thought for sure that I was headed to a padded cell somewhere!

  He hugged me, and told me " We still have to live our lives, God loves us and doesn't want you to feel this way." We prayed together and he comforted me the best he could. It made sense. After all, HIS mercies are new every morning! This did not however, stop the wave of tears. You see--I have prayed that dangerous prayer.

"Lord, break my heart for the things that break yours."

I didn't actually consider what it feels like to have your heart break. I didn't know what would happen when these two world collide. A world of plenty and a world of squalor.

 It's a lot to process. It is hard knowing that your child is alone, and doesn't have a mom to cuddle or shoes that fit. The guilt keeps creeping in. But I am a child of God's and I know that he doesn't want me to beat myself up. HE loves me, and wants me to be full of the joy that comes from knowing HIM. I will claim the joy of the Lord every morning. It won't be easy. But my God is good and full of grace......and I will cling to his promises.

James 1:17
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

1 Chronicles 16:34
Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.

Psalm 45:7
You love righteousness and hate wickedness; therefore God, your God, has set you above your companions by anointing you with the oil of joy.