How are we REALLy doing?

The boys have been home almost a month. I intended to post about a trip to get them, but honestly it was hard to find words. We just needed to live it.

Several people have seen the silly videos of the kids on FB and the happy shiny pictures, and several have been wise enough to know that the photos are just a moment in time that happened to be...well...happy.  I snap a picture in these moments because I need so desperately to hold on to those happy moments.  Things are not always so sweet.

So how are we "really" doing?

Expectations: Expectations can be a sneaky thing. I have learned that it is possible to have expectations and not even realize it. We had some expectations that were unfair---and we have had to adjust our way of thinking in a few areas. We didn't expect easy---or grateful, but when it comes down to it....there is still dissappointment when things don't go your way. I started having thoughts like "We have sacrificed so much, and drained our savings account to give these kids a chance.....and they act as if they hate us."  

Yeah. It's true we did. It's hard. Rejection is no fun---and it doesn't feel fair when all you have done for over a year is pray for these kids and scrape together EVERY penny you can find to bring them home. And then there are no "warm and fuzzy" feelings! In fact, there have been some real ugly feelings. Some of them are my own, and I am not proud of that.

 I WANTED WARM AND FUZZY PEOPLE! 

But guess what? We were the ones being unfair. 

Why would these children just hand us their hearts free of charge? They have learned to survive on their own because of the loss and betrayal of the adults in their lives. Adults they trusted and loved. Why now, would they ever just give all their trust to us? Because we say we are FOREVER?

Show me forever, Mom.  What does it look like?

Sometimes it looks like the calm of a mothers touch after the 15th meltdown before lunch. Sometimes it looks like smiling at a child when you really want to scream or cry.  Acting like it doesn't hurt when they call random people Mom---because, you see....I haven't earned that title yet.

It will be awhile before I have earned it, and I am learning to be ok with that.  The life these children had before joining our family is nothing short of the word horrible.  For now, I will be the consistent one. I will consistently respond with love when honestly I don't always want to. I will kiss boo-boos. I will teach with patience. I will meet needs with a cheerful heart.

Easier said than done.... 

  Honestly, we mourn the loss of old routines. Of simple things. We are creatures of habit and our lives have been turned upside down and inside out.

The boys are mourning the loss of their country, culture, friends and family.  They have expectations that were false, and we are working on that too.

We miss being a family of 4 sometimes. That doesn't mean that we don't love them-----it's just that things were simple then. Familiar.  God has called us to something different, and we believe better.

 Better than easy. Something beautiful and redemptive. Healing. 

We are learning so much about the character of God. Christ died for us when we were STILL sinners and enemies of God. It was nothing we earned or deserved.   We are trying to follow this example but we miss the mark daily. HIS grace is perfect, and his mercies are new every morning and I am so grateful for that-----because I need it! Our family needs it.

 I needed to be adopted once, and Christ invited me into his family.  Before I was ready to call Him Father, he gave up his life for me.....

This truth holds us together.

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person--though perhaps for a good person one would even dare to die---but  God shows his love for us that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.   

 Romans 5:6-8