The first time I saw you.....

It has been one year since the first time I laid eyes on the two of you.  

Medical records and pictures of two little boys made its way to my inbox two weeks after we received some devastating news about the little girl we thought would be joining our family.

Two was not our plan...

There were SO many pictures. I looked at every single one, hoping to find clues about you.

The first picture I saw of Abe was this little guy with stiff arms and clenched fists, and sad eyes. Eyes that had seen too much.  Manye had an impossible smile. I wondered how a kid who had such a tough life could smile like that? It was the kind of smile that lights up a room.

You have been home now for 3 months (almost) and our love for each other grows everyday.

In many ways those photos were accurate. 

Abe, 

   Your arms remained stiff for quite sometime. It took a while for you to accept my embrace---hugs were stiff and mechanical as you were learning about this "love" thing. I can't imagine the amount of bravery it has taken for you to loosen your grip. To hold my hand and step on to that airplane. I might not ever know, but I hope you will share with me one day.  You held on to everything you were given so tightly, with such fear. You still pack your bags sometimes, as if you are preparing yourself for when we disappoint you.
      I want you to know----I get it. I understand the clenched fist, and the fight you have inside of you. I hope you never lose that fight, but come to understand that you are not battling alone. You were never alone. God has always been with you, through the ugly and the pain----and HE has made a way for you. Your earthly father might have given you a name that means "Send him away from me" but Jesus will not send you away. We will not send you away. We will mourn with you, and pray fervently for all that has been broken to be restored.
     When you unclench those fists it is such a beautiful thing, and we love watching you discover the joy of giving. Your laugh is infectious and I love to hear you experience new things with an "Oh, WOW!" This is a big world, and God has big plans for you---he created you with a purpose. Thanks for letting me be your mom. I understand that you didn't pick me---but you have made the decision to give me your heart, I don't take that decision lightly.

Manye,

   That smile. You are a charmer. I love your smile, but I want you to know I can tell when it's genuine. You don't have to smile for me. No performance is necessary. You give me a run for my money sometimes, you are a tough nut to crack. That smile is so easy to hide behind--and I know you needed that to survive before. I want you to know that in our house, we cry. It's ok to cry.
      A lot of people have hurt you, and disappointed you. I mourn your childhood. I get that you need to feel in control, and in charge because you can't get hurt that way.
 I am trying to show you something better than being alone. So I will challenge you, I will teach you and we will fight because some lessons are worth a fight.  We can learn from each other, and I am willing to learn all you have to teach me.
     You need to know, that when the charm has melted away---we will still pick you, every time.  We love you---and this love is not temporary. That is hard for you to grasp and I get that too.
    You are so quick, and never give up. I love that about you. Your bravery is like nothing I have ever seen---but sometimes being brave means admitting we are weak. God's strength is made perfect in our weakness. You might not ever love me like your "real" mom, and thats ok. I am just going to keep on loving you....


Two was not our plan....but God had a greater plan. 

Two weeks after we accepted your referral God confirmed our decision after our church raised $13,000 to help bring you home. 


You were so loved before we even knew you......